Chaos

My mind at the moment is filled with choas and drama triggered by different things. Pressure at work, negative emotions released by people, moments where life throws a curveball at you, not getting the results I desire in my life. It feels like there are a thousand thoughts going on in my head all at once. Enough thoughts to make Khoi one year ago breakdown. All this going on inside my head is nothing new though I can say my perception now is.

The last few weeks I've had a lot thrown at me all at once but as a result of my inner process work I've been doing, I have become more aware of the drama that goes on in my head and why it happens. I have been doing the Presence Process which has helped me connect with my emotional self. It has helped me to understand that the emotions I experience aren't as a direct result of the present moment but a reflection of my past. In knowing this it has allowed me to handle different situations more effectively. Though there are still moments where I am emotionally affected by certain events, I can always look at those moments and understand where and why I am experiencing those emotions.

I have also been able to observe impulsive and addictive behaviours I've had in the past, where it comes from and why I still continue to do them today. At first I would recognise act impulsively and not recognise the consequences till it was too late. Now I find myself being able to stop myself before I illicit an impulsive behaviour or at least get out before it's too late.

The last few weeks the drama going on in my head has been intensified. I have made some changes that internally my mind is not used to or familiar with. I have cleared up a lot of time by imposing a self ban on myself on the Melbourne Lair. In recent times I've spent way too much time on it. As well as that I have cut down the amount of time I spend on Facebook. As a direct result of having more time on my hands I find my thoughts have been firing off trying to pull me back into old habits. I feel if I hang on long enough, my mind will find a diversion which is more productive and adds value to my life.

Along with drugs, alcohol, junk food and impulsive shopping, I find the Melbourne Lair and Facebook have been avenues to sedate drama and pain which I experience internally. When these avenues have been taken away the drama has intensified wanting to pull me back as it feels safe.

I have hung on for dear life and in the last few weeks I have managed to divert drama into learning the guitar and reading a hell of a lot. The last couple of months I can say I've read more books in this short timeframe than I have read in my entire lifetime. I feel like my capacity to learn is off the charts and I feel like it can only get better.

Again, I still have moments where I snap back to old Khoi but fortunately for me the results from being in a bad state don't affect me immediately and I am better equipped to stand back and re-adjust so that I don't sabbotage myself.