Saturday, October 30, 2010

Activating the inner animal

The last couple of months I feel technically my game is as good as anyones (I've done workshops with just about every coach Melbourne has to offer). However, I'm not seeing the type of results I have been expecting. I have been complacent with just getting a woman's number and just letting things linger till it all fizzles out.

I have always been the nice guy. I am the type of guy who will say "yes" to someone when what I really want to say is "no". If I ordered something at a restaurant and didn't get what I ordered, I suck it up and eat it anyway. I've had people take advantage of me. I've been suckered into signing up for one of the charities from those guys who walk up to you on the street. I could list more. I'm tired of going out, having a good conversation only for it to end with a number which will most likely flake. It's not just affecting me with my results with women but it's affecting me in other areas of life as well.

It's time to crush the little pussy of a voice in my head and bring out the fucking killer. I have taken a few actions to become more empowered and to corrupt myself:
- Went to the strippers the other night with the All Stars after the mastermind session.

- Watching contraversial films. I watched a French film called Irreversible the other day. It's the most fucking disturbing film I've seen. Though there was a sexually violent rape scene where I couldn't help but be turned on.

I watched another film called Baise Moi (the French are really fucked up) which was pretty disturbing as well.

Am I sick as fuck? Probably

- I've been reading on Yakuza and Triad gangs. I'm wanting to get into the mindset of a criminal. Maybe serial killers next :)

- I'm reading a book called Thick Face, Black Heart which is a self development book geared towards self-empowerment

- I'm reading books on caveman types of escalation (Gunwitch, 60 years of challenge)

- Talking to guys who are corrupted.

- I recently just got back into Muay Thai

- I sent some kamikaze texts to girls who have been giving me the run-around. Something along the lines of "I'm tired of playing games. I want you. I want to fuck you. Come see me tonight "

I got a few responses which were promising. I did a number culling on my phone about a month ago. I wish I thought of this earlier.

- Listening to gangsta rap. Get's me thinking about dirty shit.

- Joining a social tennis group. Having competed nationally as a teenager, I know I'll out do most of the people there but I like the idea of controlling and crushing people like ants.

I'm thinking of taking it to another extreme and start reading into dictators like Hitler or Stahlin. Reading books on contraversial characters like Dennis Rodman. Am I taking it to far? Would you rather be a slave or be the boss? Any other suggestions welcome. I want people here calling me a sick fuck within the next month :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

A couple of approaches...

I haven't been out specifically to do daygame recently but I have managed to slip a couple of approaches while out doing my daily errands.

Approach #1: Elegant brunnete
Yesterday, I was walking towards Melbourne Central to get my pants altered (I had just bought a new suit for the races). As I walk towards the traffic light I see an elegantly dressed brunnete. She was dressed as if she was going to the races. Flowy dress, heels and a cute hat. The way she walked was really sexy. Her as would sway left to right and she had alot of poise.

We are both at the crossing but I can't get myself to talk to her. I wait for her to cross the road. I lightly tap her on the shoulder. She freaks out.
Me: Sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out. (I give her time to comprehend what is going on)

I had to tell you. You have the most elegant walk I've seen all day.

Her: (she lights up) Thankyou. I'm really sorry I was assaulted last week.
Me: damn that sucks.

I keep things going but then she gets overwhelmed, starts to cry and the poor thing runs off. It kinda affected me a bit. There's not much I could have done in that situation.

Approach #2: Blonde with a face of an angel
I'm working night shift this week and I was having trouble sleeping today so that I could keep awake tonight...grrrr. I decide to head out to grab a bite. I am Australia on Collins eating mexican. As I'm eating my food I see a cute blonde sitting down in front of me. My hands start to sweat and that uncomfortable feeling brews in my chest. I'm telling myself "I'm eating and I've got work tonight. I need to get me some sleep". On the interim I pussy out of talking to her.

I finish my meal and just as I'm finishing my drink I notice she gets up as well. I walk after her and stop her.

Me: "Look this is really stupid of me but I just had to tell you you're absolutely gorgeous".

She lights up and I ask her "what makes you special?"
Her: "ummm...I have a boyfriend"
Me: "that's cool but what makes you special"

She opens up abit more and we talk for abit. Before I leave I ask her "it sucks you have a boyfriend"
Her: I know. We've only started going out. If only you were a day earlier.

I probably could have responded with something like "cool. Let's exchange details and if it doesn't work out we can hang out".

Oh well. I have 0 numbers to follow-up on now so I have some motivation to go out more.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Daygame 27/10/2010: Melbourne CBD

Not much to report today. Hung out with Alex like normal people would. Slipped in a couple approaches. Pussied out of alot...grrrr

Approach #1: Cute brunette

Alex and I were walking through Bourke St mall and in my peripheral I spot a cute brunette. I turn back and open direct. She gladly accepts her validation for the day and walks off.

Approach #2: Corporate Glamazon!

I was walking through hardware lane a few nights back and I saw a bar which caught my eye. Today I thought I check it out as a possible date venue tomorrow. I wouldn't say it's the best place for a date but the atmosphere was pretty good.
I look over to the bar and spot my 10. Blonde, leggy, heels and she was wearing the sexiest corporate outfit...grrrr
I walk over to her and open direct. I felt she responded well. We exchange a few words before I freeze and she walks back to her workmates. I should have walked over and at least went for a number close... I'm gonna have to head there everyday after 5 and track her down! :P

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pictures of my passions hobbies and interests

Men's Fashion


Muay Thai


Snowboarding


Blondes...grrrr!


Fashion. Legs, skirt, heels...grrrrr!


Tennis


Trance Events

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Daygame: Melbourne CBD 21/10/2010

Since returning from vipassana I haven't really done much daygame. Just an approach here and there and nothing really hitting. At the moment I have been experiencing massive approach anxiety and conversational rust. I've probably got only 2 numbers in the past month. One who I'm seeing next week (doorstep girl).

Approach #1: Sunbaking blondie
This week I have been working nightshift and I have had trouble sleeping during the day. Yesterday I went out in attempt to talk to girls but I ended up doing laps around the city before heading to work.

I started today feeling alot of anxiety. As I am walking through the city I see alot of sexy corporate glamours. Suit, skirt and heels...grrrrr! I decide to head to fed square to settle down for a little bit. When I get there I see a gorgeous blonde sunbaking. I walk past her and head to the back of the steps. I sit down and observe my surroundings but I couldn't get the blondie out of my head. I'm sitting there with this disabling feeling in my stomach.

The pain I was feeling became stronger and stronger and it became too much that I had to talk to her. So I got up and walked towards her and opened direct.

"Hey. This is really random but I had to tell you, you're really cute"

She was like "meh". I sat next to her and talked for abit. I asked her what she was upto and she said she was meeting up with her boyfriend. While she did ask me questions, I was feeling rusty trying to come up with things to say. I got stuck so bid her farewell.

Approach #2: Girly girl blondie
I decided after my first approach to head down to Bourke St to see what was over there. There were some sexy ladies who walked past but I couldn't get myself to go over and talk to them. I sat down on one of the benches to watch the traffic walk past. Not long after I sat down I get a call from Reynaldo asking where I was. He was not far from Bourke St so we decide to meet up. I get up and walk up and move towards Swanston St.

As I'm walking up there I spot a very cute girl blonde. She's as cute as a button. I let her walk past then I thought about it for a couple of seconds, turned back and walked after her. I opened direct and I felt she reacted warmly. Again, I was stuck for words and before I could say anything she said "nice meeting you" and walked off.

Approach #3: Sexy combat boots girl
I meet up with Rey and we do a lap of Bourke St. As we're walking towards the GPO, spot a sexy blonde talking on the payphone. I look at Rey and say "my kind of girl". We wait for her to get off the phone and I chase after her. I open direct and she responds warmly and I manage to string a few sentences together. She's in a hurry so I go for the number. She says she has a boyfriend...grrr! I gracefully depart.

Approach #4: Blonde backpacker
Not seeing much going on at Bourke St, Rey and I decide to head to Fed Square. As I we walk up there I see a sexy blonde withdrawing some cash from the ATM. I decide to wait for her to finish.

Once she walks away from the ATM I walk towards her. As I get closer she walks towards a side bench and sits down. I walk up to her and open direct. She smiles and says "Thankyou but I have a boyfriend and he's on his way right now". We exchange a few words before I walk off.

Approach #5: Hiyah!!!
I wouldn't call this an approach but I found it amusing. With little activity between us Rey and I decide to have a beer at the rooftop bar. We chilled out for abit and hit the streets again. As we're walking along Swanston I tell Rey we should do a night of mayhem right now. He agrees. The next group of girls walk towards us and I go "HIYAH!!!" and do a karate stance. They freak out for a second, laugh and say "hi". I probably should have turned back and talked to them. Oh well.

Approach #6: "Hi! I have AIDS"
Before I left for vipassana I approached a girl and opened with "Hi! I have AIDS". We got talking for abit and I probably could have taken the interaction further. Rey and I were walking along Swanston and I see an Asian girl standing on the corner of Swanston and Lonsdale. I walk up to her and say "Hi!" She says "Hi!". I say "I have AIDS" she freaks out and then pulls out her phone and pretends she has a phone call.

Approach #7: Cute brunette
We're walking along Elizabeth St and I spot a cute brunette sitting on the steps outside of the GPO. I walk up to her and open direct. She responds warmly and we chat for abit. I go for the number but she says she has a boyfriend...grrr!

Approach #8: Sexy ginger
We return to fed square to do some approaches before I leave for work. While sitting on the back of the steps I see a sexy ginger wearing red heels and a red handbag. I walk up to her but as I get closer she walks into 7-11. I sit outside and wait for her to come out. When she walks out I get up and stop her and comment on how I like how her heels match her bag. She lights up. I chat for abit but I'm out of words so I go for the close. Again no joy.

Though I know I've had better days I was happy with how I went. I know I'm just rusty at the moment and with a few more sessions I'll be a killer again.

With summer coming I'll be going on some day and night rampages for the next few months. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Daily Coaching Wednesday

1 . What do you think you should do first today?
Planks to strengthen my back. 5 x 1 minute sets.

2 . What would be the most helpful thing that you could do now?
Meditation

3 . If money wasn’ t a restriction for you, what would you do?
Travel the world, start my own brothel, start a modelling agency, train martial arts non-stop.

4 . If time wasn’ t a restriction for you, what would you do?
Sex, martial arts, travel, party, meditate, dance.

5 . What would you do if you weren’ t answerable to anyone?
Express myself openly and honestly.

6 . What would (enter name of relevant expert) do in this situation?
He'd fucking grab her. Throw her onto the bed and fuck the shit out of her.

7 . What do you sense God is telling you to do?
Overcome my inner demons. Master my mind.

8 . If you were guaranteed to succeed, what would you do?
Professional tennis player, MMA fighter

9 . What’ s the best use of your time at the moment?
Reflection. Giving myself time to clear my head.

1 0 .If you could only do one thing this week, what would it be?
Pull a sexy blonde out of the club.

1 1 .What can you do better than anyone else in your organisation?
Live a double life.

1 2 .What books should you be reading to help you achieve your goals?
The Presence Process by Michael Brown.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My Vipassana Experience

I have just returned from a 10-day Vipassana course. It's got to be one of the most physically and emotionally intense experiences I've had in my life. While I wouldn't say I'm an entirely different person I have become more aware of how I have caused pain for myself and others.

Coming in...
I came to Vipassana in a pretty bad mental state. I was experiencing some sort of identity crisis. On the outside appears this confident, funny, quirky, sexy and stylish guy but internally I didn't think so. I have grown exponentially in the past year. In growing so fast, I felt the gap between who I was perceived to be and who I was internally was big that I felt a sense of pressure to perform at a certain standard. Because of this I felt like a fraud, I felt like I didn't deserve to be the man I had become and I felt like I was buckling under the pressure I had created for myself. Vipassana gave me some time to reflect on how much I have changed in the past year.

But in this time of reflection I realised the changes I have made didn't start last year, the foundation was laid long before this. I have been running so hard for the past 4-5 years that I never gave myself the time to appreciate my evolution from a boy to a man. I have been judging my growth on my ability to pick up and supressed the accomplishments made in the years leading into getting into pickup. Getting my first fulltime job, improving my fitness, improving my image, becoming less dependent on my parents, overcoming my fear in nightclubs, being able to make friends, earning my degree, working for 3 industry leaders, travelling overseas...

In this time I never really had a break to reflect on what I had accomplished and also the people around me would always talk down my accomplishments. To me these accomplishments were huge but in the eyes of others it was never enough. I never really valued myself and always look to gain the validation of others. My family, in particular.

In the first few days of Vipassana I thought about very trivial things like "I forgot to pay my bills" or "I need to do my taxes quick". Once all the mental noise cleared I started thinking about the things I am really passionate about and things I have set aside because pick-up, living under others expectations, lack of money, distractions... Martial arts and life coaching were two things which came to mind quite often. I thought about how I would grow as a martial artist and what direction I would take in becoming a coach.

More than half of the course had past and I was only addressing things on the surface. I started looking back at my time during high school and how much I was picked on. I had no sense of self-esteem at that time. I was quiet and withdrawn it made me an easy target for bullying as I was pretty much defenseless. I look back even further, I was picked on at primary school as well. Most of my life I have lived in fear, pain and anger. I've never really valued who I was.

Looking back
Wanting to understand why I looked deeper into my past and it brought me to my older sisters. My parents started a clothing manufacturing company and was rarely at home leaving my sisters to take care of me. In past year I have become alot closer with my sisters and we've done alot to clear the air but when I was younger I was fucking scared of them. Sometimes something might trigger me to go back to that young kid that is shit scared of them. I feel to some degree my relationship with my sisters paved the way for future interactions with women. I've never felt comfortable and sometimes I still freak out.

Being the oldest son in an Asian family is a big thing. I feel that my sisters my have felt quite bitter towards me as I got alot of attention from my parents. It was kinda like the four girls before didn't mean anything. Getting new toys all the time while they were made to work with the family business on weekends or after school for no pay as well as taking care of me when I was at home. The second oldest of my four sisters took a massive strain in taking care of all the siblings (at this point I had never met my oldest sister). Though my situation was not ideal at the time, I do appreciate what she had to go through and what he did to raise me.

I started looking back more into my childhood. I have vague memories of my mum being pregnant with my younger brother. I also have memories of the day my brother was born. I remember the flat we used to live in when we first moved to Melbourne when I was about two years old. Then I brought up a memory of me and my mum in the kitchen. I must have been 3 years old. I used to love cake and I remember I would ask my mum to bake me a cake. She would goto the supermarket and get the cake mix, bring it home and we would mix the cake together. My mum would put the cake in the oven and I would sit in front of the oven as cake was being baked.

This brought me to tears. A memory which I had kept supressed for years. My parents and I are very distant. I can't remember the last time we've really enjoyed being in the company of eachother.

In my early years I had a really good childhood. Though my parents barely had any money, they sacrificed alot to make me happy. I had a tight bond with my youngest sister and my little brother and we shared alot of great memories. Years past where we all just grew apart. I uncovered alot of happy memories from when I was a little boy. I was happy. I was fearless.

I also brought up the memory of the day we were getting our Australian citizenship. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time but I knew it was a very happy moment for my dad. My dad had to go through a lot of pain to get us to this point. He served in the Vietnam war assisting the US forces, he was taken prisoner by the Communists for 6 years not knowing whether or not he would see his family ever again. I remember I was next to him as he went on stage with the family to get our certificate. It was a moment where I shared a strong bond with my father. Back then I used to think my dad was my hero but for some reason I let go of that. I've mentioned recently that I feel like I am starting to go back to being the person I was a year ago but this time round I am more accepting of him. I feel like I am becoming the person I was as a kid. Only a more polished version. I see my dad as my hero.

To go through what he has gone through and to provide me the life that I have today shows the heart and strength of a man.

Attachment
When I was about 5 or 6, my parents started their clothing manufacturing company and I was left to be raised by my 2nd and 3rd older sisters. While they did make an effort to take care of me, they were very hard on me to the point I feared them. Up until my early 20s, my sisters have had control over my life. It was during these years I created attachment to these childhood memories which I had supressed for a long time. Wanting to experience the same sensations from my childhood I have gone on bouts of self-sabotage. Taking drugs, excessive drinking, hurting those I care about and drawing those who brought me down further.

Little did I know that at a young age that this strong attachment would cause me pain and suffering today. From this experience at Vipassana I have learned to forgive myself for the pain I've cause but I have also taken responsibility for the actions I've taken in the past. Now that I am aware of the core of alot of my pain and misery, I feel I am ready to transcend them and take the next step in my journey.

In doing Vipassana I have come to appreciate myself more, I feel I am ready to reconnect with my family, I have a better understanding of the source of my fears and ready to make the shift and come from a place of love.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Overwhelmed

The last few weeks I feel like I have been overwhelmed. By work, by all-stars, by pick-up, by women, by friends, by family. It feels like all this pressure is falling on top of me and while I feel I should be stepping up, I feel like I am buckling under the pressure. The last few weeks...months... I have been going through bouts of self-sabotage. Pushing away people I care about or pushing away women I genuinely find attractive, pushing away friends who have helped me on my path and drawing those who have served only to ruin it. I haven't been taking care of my body. I have been drinking alot and eating poorly. I can't be bothered at work. I can't be bothered getting out of bed in the morning.

In the last few months I have experienced exponential growth as a person but at the same time I feel like my beliefs are lagging behind. While I may appear to be more confident, more happy and having more success in my life deep down I feel I don't deserve it. I know what I need to do and yet I do things that only cause me more pain. I know that the actions and decisions I have been making recently will only cause me more pain and yet I still do them.

My head is not in the right space at the moment and I feel I need to step away for a little a bit. I need time outside my current environment so that I have a chance to view myself in a third person perspective and assess where I am and what I need to do to get to where I want to go. While I do not feel on top of the world I feel this is a good experience for me.

I was listening to some self-help audio yesterday which talked about self-sabotage. It said something along the lines of self-sabotage occurs when we are close to achieving something big or something that means something to us. Which got me thinking. Since the start of this year I was looking at a promotion at work and let it slip away, I have blown opportunities with sexy women who have found me attractive as I didn't believe I deserved it, the friends I have made in the past year have been nothing but great to me and yet I feel the need to be around my old group of friends who put me down and don't give me the respect I deserve.

I feel that I am in much need for a break. I find it hard as I feel that I am quitting and I am letting a lot of people down by doing so. In the short time I've been in the community, I've seen people come and go. The last thing I want to be is one of those people. Many times in my life I have come so close to achieving something of importance to me only to let it all slip away. I don't want it to happen again. I can't let it happen. I feel this time off will give me some perpective on my current situation and allow me to recharge so that I can come back stronger.

So for the next couple of weeks I am taking a break to reflect and give myself time to appreciate the growth I've experienced in the past year. In that time off I'll be at vipassana. I think the quiet time will give me an opportunity to get me in the right headspace and come back with a clear mind.