My Vipassana Experience

I have just returned from a 10-day Vipassana course. It's got to be one of the most physically and emotionally intense experiences I've had in my life. While I wouldn't say I'm an entirely different person I have become more aware of how I have caused pain for myself and others.

Coming in...
I came to Vipassana in a pretty bad mental state. I was experiencing some sort of identity crisis. On the outside appears this confident, funny, quirky, sexy and stylish guy but internally I didn't think so. I have grown exponentially in the past year. In growing so fast, I felt the gap between who I was perceived to be and who I was internally was big that I felt a sense of pressure to perform at a certain standard. Because of this I felt like a fraud, I felt like I didn't deserve to be the man I had become and I felt like I was buckling under the pressure I had created for myself. Vipassana gave me some time to reflect on how much I have changed in the past year.

But in this time of reflection I realised the changes I have made didn't start last year, the foundation was laid long before this. I have been running so hard for the past 4-5 years that I never gave myself the time to appreciate my evolution from a boy to a man. I have been judging my growth on my ability to pick up and supressed the accomplishments made in the years leading into getting into pickup. Getting my first fulltime job, improving my fitness, improving my image, becoming less dependent on my parents, overcoming my fear in nightclubs, being able to make friends, earning my degree, working for 3 industry leaders, travelling overseas...

In this time I never really had a break to reflect on what I had accomplished and also the people around me would always talk down my accomplishments. To me these accomplishments were huge but in the eyes of others it was never enough. I never really valued myself and always look to gain the validation of others. My family, in particular.

In the first few days of Vipassana I thought about very trivial things like "I forgot to pay my bills" or "I need to do my taxes quick". Once all the mental noise cleared I started thinking about the things I am really passionate about and things I have set aside because pick-up, living under others expectations, lack of money, distractions... Martial arts and life coaching were two things which came to mind quite often. I thought about how I would grow as a martial artist and what direction I would take in becoming a coach.

More than half of the course had past and I was only addressing things on the surface. I started looking back at my time during high school and how much I was picked on. I had no sense of self-esteem at that time. I was quiet and withdrawn it made me an easy target for bullying as I was pretty much defenseless. I look back even further, I was picked on at primary school as well. Most of my life I have lived in fear, pain and anger. I've never really valued who I was.

Looking back
Wanting to understand why I looked deeper into my past and it brought me to my older sisters. My parents started a clothing manufacturing company and was rarely at home leaving my sisters to take care of me. In past year I have become alot closer with my sisters and we've done alot to clear the air but when I was younger I was fucking scared of them. Sometimes something might trigger me to go back to that young kid that is shit scared of them. I feel to some degree my relationship with my sisters paved the way for future interactions with women. I've never felt comfortable and sometimes I still freak out.

Being the oldest son in an Asian family is a big thing. I feel that my sisters my have felt quite bitter towards me as I got alot of attention from my parents. It was kinda like the four girls before didn't mean anything. Getting new toys all the time while they were made to work with the family business on weekends or after school for no pay as well as taking care of me when I was at home. The second oldest of my four sisters took a massive strain in taking care of all the siblings (at this point I had never met my oldest sister). Though my situation was not ideal at the time, I do appreciate what she had to go through and what he did to raise me.

I started looking back more into my childhood. I have vague memories of my mum being pregnant with my younger brother. I also have memories of the day my brother was born. I remember the flat we used to live in when we first moved to Melbourne when I was about two years old. Then I brought up a memory of me and my mum in the kitchen. I must have been 3 years old. I used to love cake and I remember I would ask my mum to bake me a cake. She would goto the supermarket and get the cake mix, bring it home and we would mix the cake together. My mum would put the cake in the oven and I would sit in front of the oven as cake was being baked.

This brought me to tears. A memory which I had kept supressed for years. My parents and I are very distant. I can't remember the last time we've really enjoyed being in the company of eachother.

In my early years I had a really good childhood. Though my parents barely had any money, they sacrificed alot to make me happy. I had a tight bond with my youngest sister and my little brother and we shared alot of great memories. Years past where we all just grew apart. I uncovered alot of happy memories from when I was a little boy. I was happy. I was fearless.

I also brought up the memory of the day we were getting our Australian citizenship. I didn't understand the importance of it at the time but I knew it was a very happy moment for my dad. My dad had to go through a lot of pain to get us to this point. He served in the Vietnam war assisting the US forces, he was taken prisoner by the Communists for 6 years not knowing whether or not he would see his family ever again. I remember I was next to him as he went on stage with the family to get our certificate. It was a moment where I shared a strong bond with my father. Back then I used to think my dad was my hero but for some reason I let go of that. I've mentioned recently that I feel like I am starting to go back to being the person I was a year ago but this time round I am more accepting of him. I feel like I am becoming the person I was as a kid. Only a more polished version. I see my dad as my hero.

To go through what he has gone through and to provide me the life that I have today shows the heart and strength of a man.

Attachment
When I was about 5 or 6, my parents started their clothing manufacturing company and I was left to be raised by my 2nd and 3rd older sisters. While they did make an effort to take care of me, they were very hard on me to the point I feared them. Up until my early 20s, my sisters have had control over my life. It was during these years I created attachment to these childhood memories which I had supressed for a long time. Wanting to experience the same sensations from my childhood I have gone on bouts of self-sabotage. Taking drugs, excessive drinking, hurting those I care about and drawing those who brought me down further.

Little did I know that at a young age that this strong attachment would cause me pain and suffering today. From this experience at Vipassana I have learned to forgive myself for the pain I've cause but I have also taken responsibility for the actions I've taken in the past. Now that I am aware of the core of alot of my pain and misery, I feel I am ready to transcend them and take the next step in my journey.

In doing Vipassana I have come to appreciate myself more, I feel I am ready to reconnect with my family, I have a better understanding of the source of my fears and ready to make the shift and come from a place of love.