Overwhelmed

The last few weeks I feel like I have been overwhelmed. By work, by all-stars, by pick-up, by women, by friends, by family. It feels like all this pressure is falling on top of me and while I feel I should be stepping up, I feel like I am buckling under the pressure. The last few weeks...months... I have been going through bouts of self-sabotage. Pushing away people I care about or pushing away women I genuinely find attractive, pushing away friends who have helped me on my path and drawing those who have served only to ruin it. I haven't been taking care of my body. I have been drinking alot and eating poorly. I can't be bothered at work. I can't be bothered getting out of bed in the morning.

In the last few months I have experienced exponential growth as a person but at the same time I feel like my beliefs are lagging behind. While I may appear to be more confident, more happy and having more success in my life deep down I feel I don't deserve it. I know what I need to do and yet I do things that only cause me more pain. I know that the actions and decisions I have been making recently will only cause me more pain and yet I still do them.

My head is not in the right space at the moment and I feel I need to step away for a little a bit. I need time outside my current environment so that I have a chance to view myself in a third person perspective and assess where I am and what I need to do to get to where I want to go. While I do not feel on top of the world I feel this is a good experience for me.

I was listening to some self-help audio yesterday which talked about self-sabotage. It said something along the lines of self-sabotage occurs when we are close to achieving something big or something that means something to us. Which got me thinking. Since the start of this year I was looking at a promotion at work and let it slip away, I have blown opportunities with sexy women who have found me attractive as I didn't believe I deserved it, the friends I have made in the past year have been nothing but great to me and yet I feel the need to be around my old group of friends who put me down and don't give me the respect I deserve.

I feel that I am in much need for a break. I find it hard as I feel that I am quitting and I am letting a lot of people down by doing so. In the short time I've been in the community, I've seen people come and go. The last thing I want to be is one of those people. Many times in my life I have come so close to achieving something of importance to me only to let it all slip away. I don't want it to happen again. I can't let it happen. I feel this time off will give me some perpective on my current situation and allow me to recharge so that I can come back stronger.

So for the next couple of weeks I am taking a break to reflect and give myself time to appreciate the growth I've experienced in the past year. In that time off I'll be at vipassana. I think the quiet time will give me an opportunity to get me in the right headspace and come back with a clear mind.