Some of my current thoughts

Productivity
I have decided to cut myself off from Facebook, the Melbourne Lair and amateur porn for a while. They're things I have spent a lot of my time on recently which do not add value to myself or others. While I does allow me to keep in touch with people it has also taken away time for me to do the things which are important to me.

I have taken on board a few new interests and new objectives recently and I feel I am not giving the time necessary to get the most out of the experience.

Be ready to receive
In recent times I have felt that I was having problems with closing and I have been working on becoming more aggressive and going for what I want. While I have been a lot more aggressive and have been taking things one step further, I am still not reaching my desired outcomes. I have written a list of times where I pulled the trigger whether I screwed up or not. From that list I came up with more than 50 reference experience in the past year to validate my belief that I do go for what I want. For the average guy, they would be lucky to at least have a shot 5 times with a woman. So is closing really the issue?

I recently read "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T Harv Eker which goes into the inner game of money. How our spending and monetary habits are cultivated by our "Money Blueprint" as a result our experiences with money from our upbringing. While this book is focused on money, I feel a lot of the concepts can be carried over to other areas of our life, especially women.

One of the principles which dropped a penny for me was "Rich people are excellent receivers. Poor people are poor receivers." From a young age, I was made to feel guilty about receiving things. Whether it was presents, money, clothing. For example, my sisters would have a go at me when I was given money from my parents or my grandparents. They would say things like "mum and dad work their ass off for that money and you shouldn't take it." I felt this guilt recently when my grandma gave me $100 out of the blue. Now you're thinking "cool, $100! Fuck yeah!" I'm thinking "I can't take this. She's old and helpless. She won't be able to take care of herself."

There was a time I saw a $50 note on the ground and thought to myself "what if people see me? Then they'll think I'm cheap."

I have known to give and lend out money. I don't have any trouble in helping others out whether it's giving out advice, having your back in a fight, helping you get the girl home. Where I've fallen short is being a good receiver. In money, women, friends, jobs, life experiences...everything!

Back to the topic on women. I have been on dates with high quality women. The type of women I would want to marry. Now time and time again it has started with approach, date then...nothing! When I look back to my old journal posts I write that I didn't have the balls to make a move. That may have been the case at the time. What I should also mention was that I didn't feel like I could keep up with these kind of women.

Now my reference experiences when it comes to closing demonstrate that I do go for what I want but I feel that I have not been prepared to receive what I have been asking for.

I have noticed when I offer something to someone and they reject, there tends to be an elicited micro-behaviour or feelings of disrespect. Now while I know in my heart that this is not personal, I still have these feelings. Which brings me to my experiences with women in that past year. I have gone out of my way to approach her, tell her she's beautiful, take her out on a date, have a pleasant conversation and leave with a kiss on a cheek. Women have been giving me pussy on a plate and I have turned them down. There has to be an undercurrent of disrespect here. Of course, she isn't thinking this on a conscious level but on a deeper level this is what she must be feeling.

As I came across this concept of being a receiver, I had a flush of visions of the times women were putting themselves out there only for me to turn it down. Which makes me think I have come to this community to have enjoyable experiences with women and instead I have been disrespectful in turning them down.

I have been screaming to the universe to give me what I want. It's delivered and yet I have not been there to receive it. The universe must be thinking "dude! Make up your mind! What the fuck do you want?"

Focus and Creativity
Martial arts has been my outlet physically and creatively. It has also been a place where focus and discipline have cultivated but in recent times they have been all over the place. While I am injured at the moment I am physically limited to how hard I can push myself and explore my boundaries.

I have just bought myself a guitar. I feel like once I get past the tough part of learning to play it, it will be a great source of joy. I must admit as I have been practicing I have has times of restlessness and frustration but I feel in the end it will all be worth it. I have been watching videos of my favourite bands and artists such as Live, Santana, Jimi Hendrix, U2... who inspire me to keep going.