Evolving Man Authenticity Workshop

Right now I feel drained from having done a men's authenticity workshop over the weekend with Evolving Man. I still feel a lot of tension in certain areas around my body from emotions still needing to be let out. I'll get onto that when I meditate during my break tonight (I'm working night shift tonight). That being said it was one of the most inspiring weekends I've had in a very long time. To be amongst a group of strong men who had a desire to connect better with themselves and others. To see guys from different walks of life make life changing shifts was really beautiful to witness and experience. I feel really grateful to be part of such an amazing weekend.

My personal development has taken a different direction this year. One of the areas I wanted to focus on was masculinity and sexuality. Having read Robert Moore's King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine I wanted to delve deeper into it. Most of you may have read David Deida's Way of the Superior Man which I believe does more harm to men than good. Don't get me wrong there is some good stuff in there but I feel some of it can be damaging to those in the wrong place in their development to becoming men. Robert Moore's book goes into stages a man goes through in becoming a man rather than saying if you do this, this and this then you'll be a man. Wanting to learn more I looked for workshops in this area and found that there weren't many held in Australia particularly those who adopt the philosophies from Robert Moore's book. There was one in Queensland but they were charging $4000 for a weekend which is an outright ripoff. Luckily for me, Evolving Man were in Melbourne and were reasonably priced.

On the day of the workshop, I arrived abit late and I was feeling hurried and in my head alot but once I walked into the room, all of the sudden my state shifted to a state of calm. We do a few warm up exercises which involved tapping into our presense and out internal state. We then sat in a circle and introduced ourselves and talked about what our expectations were for the weekend. I felt a bit out of my comfort zone as I knew some of these guys have done work with Evolving Man before and I felt a strong sence of presence from a lot of the men in the room. To some degree I felt quite vulnerable as I felt they had a sense for what kind of person I was. That may not have been true but that's how I felt.

My intent for the weekend was to let go of an old Khoi who I felt was holding me back from who I wanted to be. This was something that had been bothering me for a while and I was prepared to do anything to made the shifts necessary to become the man I want to be. I wasn't looking for a quick fix. I needed help in being pointed in the right direction.

We then did some qigong and some exercises which involved consciously connecting with other men in the room. One of the exercises I was put way out of my comfort zone. The exercise was to sit with a partner lock into their presence. My partner, as a witness, would ask "what is your experience of authenticity?" A highly challenging question which made me feel vulnerable. Internally, I felt a lot of resistance in answering that question because to me it's quite confronting. Plus my partner for activity was Jared, one of the facilitators of the workshop. His piercing eyes really dug deep into your soul. Those piercing eyes I've seen in the past from very self aware beings (Rhyn is one, James Marshall from the Naturals is another). It's scares the shit out of me. It really questions my self value alot the time when I experience eye contact like that. We changed turned where I asked the question and Jared would answer the question. We ended the night with abit more qi gong and some pretty cool intent rituals. I left that night feeling somewhat exposed, confused, weary, excited, nervous, anxious. I didn't know what I was getting myself into but I knew I was about to uncover something quite special.

The next day we continued with a lot of qi gong and a lot of practical exercises. A lot like the one I did with Jared. Though I was able to open up a lot more in these exercises I still felt some resistance. As a witness we had the opportunity to comment on our partner's response to our questions which was really beautiful. I felt the power to be able to relate/connect with the person I was working with on a very deep level. Uncomfortable at first, the more in sunk into my body and became more present the more I was able to tap into a deeper connection which was really beautiful. This is nothing like the connection they teach in the pick-up community. Connection in the pick-up community is taught more as a technique rather then a part of your being. When you get to experience something like this, especially with a woman, it is really beautiful. It goes way beyond sex. I can say I've only experienced something amazing like this maybe a handful of times with women. I got a grasp for what Rhyn experiences (having gone to his workshop) when he taps into that level of being. It's a really beautiful place to be and I want to experience it more.

We then did an exercise called circling. This involves one person being a centre of focus in the group and everyone else asks questions. This was a very freeform discussion. No rules. We could talk about anything. What was troubling us, how we were feeling, etc. Earlier in the workshop Robert, one of the facilitators showed us a framework for being in our integrity: love/passion, self-worth, action and potency. A leakage in any of these demonstrated a lack in integrity. The power of this exercise was to determine where we were leaking. The power of this exercise was amazing. To see the transformational shifts in some of the guys was really beautiful. It's very rare to see someone experience a transformational shift right in front of your eyes but when you do it is one of the most inspirational experiences to witness. In my experience of circling I didn't feel I made the shift I wanted to make. Though it did bring up something quite powerful for me, I knew this wasn't the shift I was after. The old Khoi and the new Khoi. Accepting the old Khoi as part of me. The old Khoi was a child. He has been tramatised and I felt like I need to let go of him but all this time he needed the new Khoi to show him the way. I kinda knew this before but the angle in which this was explained to me really hit home with me. While greatful for this, I still didn't feel I got what I needed from this workshop...yet :)

The last day started with some qi gong. A very intense session. I felt incredible heat pulses rushing through my body. My head in particular. I was feeling restless and maybe a little frustrated. It reminded me of my experience of Vipassana. There were many times where I experienced incredible heat pulses. We finished the qi gong and I was shaky as hell. My legs were uncontrollably shaking and I couldn't make them stop. And the here's the scary part. Women were being introduced into the workshop!!! The men made a circle and we closed our eyes as the women entered the room. I could feel their energy in the room. Some of them would touch us. It was interesting to make the distinction of how different women would touch us. It was a very nice feeling. I felt self-conscious and nervous as well as my legs were uncontrollably shaking.

We then got to open our eyes and sit in a circle with the ladies. There were 6 of them and I have to say some of these women were incredibly sexy. Especially the one sitting next to me. This gorgeous blonde. A bit older she was very confident within herself and a very sexual woman. I was stifled by her. This is the type of woman who can teach you a lot about yourself.

First exercise which involved the women was where they would sit on one end of the room and we would walk up to 3 of them and they would make an assessment of what they felt as we were walking up to them and when in their presense. As simple as this sounds, this is very confronting. I was quite nervous and conscious of my legs shaking. The guys also noticed I was stepping back sort of like in a defensive way. You really get a feel for how women really perceive you and their perception of me was really eye opening, especially from the blonde when I walked up the first time round. She asked me something along the lines of do women seem like another species to me. At that point I got really defensive and my walls went up. Robert, the facilitator of this exercise, asked my what I was feeling. I said there was a lot of tension in my legs, around my head and my neck. Robert then asks me "how do you feel around this area?" motioning his hand around the heart and stomach area. I said "nothing! Like a numb feeling". "Does this remind you of anything?" Robert asks. "Yes, but it's very personal" I say. "So you're aware of it?" he asks. "Yes" I say.

This brought up a memory of in my past which to most people would be traumatic but to me I felt numb about it. Again I did the same exercise with the 3 remaining women and though I wasn't as nervous, though they felt like something didn't feel right. Like something was missing. I couldn't be read. It was that numb feeling again. Like the other women before me I felt like I was being judged and all my defense walls were being lifted. Very eye opening to see what kind of impact I have on women. It brought up a lot of experiences I've had with women. It reminded me of the night when Kathryn broke up with me, a girl I was seeing a while back. She really opened up to me that night and yet I could not feel nothing and she called me out on it. I had no idea at the time what to do. I knew this was something that I had to explore.

We then switched roles and we got to experienced how we felt when the woman approached us. I felt a very strong sense of connection with the woman who approached me. She displayed a very warm, friendly, playful sort or energy and it was really nice to experience. I struggle tap into this often but when I do it's like fire.

Then I got to experience circling with women. This time round I wasn't as much in my head as I was when I did it the day before. I was alot more present and was really sunk into my body. I was aware of nerves, heat pulses but yet there was this numbness around my heart and my stomach. It was like an empty box inside my torso. We talked about my experiences with my numbness in the past and how it made me feel. In times where I felt I was supposed to feel something in the past but didn't it made me feel guilty, angry like there was something wrong with me. I thought I was like a heartless serial killer unable to feel emotions and if I did, it was all forced or inauthentic.

In describing what it was like to feel numb inside, Jared asked me to close my eyes and accept the numbness as part of who I am. So I did. I went into my body and felt the numbness and accpeted it. Then whoosh! A rush of emotions flooded all over me. I burst into tears uncontrollably. It was one of the most cleansing experiences I've had in a while. Little did I know that I have been trying to supress this feeling of numbness for a long time. The guilt behind hiding this numbness made me do stuff like take drugs or consume excessive amounts of alcohol all in the effort to feel something. Also the fear of judgement if I told others that I felt numb about traumatic experiences. Like I'm this emotionless robot or I'm a serial killer.

It's funny because the last three months I've been meditating, I have felt nothing but numbness. I've felt like there were no emotions coming up but I still kept at it expecting or anticipating something like spontaneous joy or sadness but little did I know that this numbness was an emotion that needed processing and a very powerful emotion it is. While I got to experience an incredible release of emotions, I still feel a lot of tension telling me I have a lot more emotional processing to do.

After the circling exercise we had dinner and the way I interacted with the people in the workshop especially the women changed dramatically. I came to the workshop struggling to interact with those around me and feeling somewhat of an outsider and stifled by some of the women and then automatically I felt a strong sense of connection with all those around me. The sexy blonde included :) We ended the day with a forum where the men could ask women questions and women can do the same. To finish things off we ended with a thing called the love tunnel when two lines are formed together and one person would walk through and people would touch them and say "I love you". A very beautiful and emotional experience on top of the numerous hugs I got over the weekend.

It was amazing to experience the many shifts of those who attended right in front of my eyes. Even the women experienced some too which was really amazing to see. Though the experiences of those who attended have been different there alot of parallels in our journeys which put in me in a place where I felt that I am OK as I am. I've always felt that you can only grasp concepts on an experiential level. It's one thing to tell yourself or have a book tell you you're OK as you are but to experience it has so much more power and deeper impact that it becomes part of you. As well as that it was humbling to see that the facilitators of the workshop were just as much human as those who attended were.

Evolving Man are always running workshops on masculinity and I am looking forward to attending more of them. For those who felt David Deida's Way of the Superior Man felt it didn't resonate with you or you just want a safe avenue to discover your masculinity or you want to experience real connections with women not textbook emotionless connection they teach in pickup. I highly recommend their work. I've booked myself in for their qi gong classes which they hold every Monday.