Letting go and moving forward

24/04/2010
As I am typing this I am at work with only four hours sleep so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. Over the last month I have really begun to see alot of changes start to integrate into my lifesyle, my mindset, my identity and my overall view on the world. I find myself being alot more open and honest about who I am and I feel I am able to connect with others on an amazingly deep level. I am having some of the most richest experiences I have ever thought possible. I am building an amazing network of friends who are on the same path as me. I feel like I have an amazing future to look forward to.

Last night I went out with my close friends who I hadn't seen in a while. I thought this would be a great time to catch up as for many reasons we just haven't been able to meet up. My mate J called me a day before eager to have us all go out to CQ. I was reluctant at first but he mentioned he was having a rough time and he needed the boys with him. So I thought "OK, I am a good friend. I'll come along for support because that's what friends do."

I had been working all day and looking forward to heading out. It's hometime and I drive straight towards the city. As I am driving up there, I get a call from A asking where I am. I tell him I am driving and he asks if I can give himself and N a lift. I am more than happy to so I drive down to A's house.

I arrive at A's house and I'm waiting for the guys to get ready. I'm getting restless because they're taking forever to get ready. Already we're late and J is already in the city waiting for us.

Finally, the guys are ready so off we goto CQ. We haven't heard from R so N gives him a call. R is the one organising this thing and it sounds like he isn't coming afterall. I thought to myself "typical." R is always one to piss/fart around. We arrive at CQ abit late but we still get in. R manages to show up and we start off with a few drinks.

N and I were on the dancefloor while the rest of the guys were off to get some drinks. As I was dancing I spot someone who looked familiar. It was S, I know her boyfriend P. I come over and say hi and we exchange a few words. N comes over and I introduce him. We dance for a bit and the rest of the boys come over. Next thing I know I'm being shut out by my own friends.

I was feeling down and I was ready to leave. I remember telling J that I was going to leave soon because I have work. J responded "I understand. I understand. We're holding you back."

Watching as those who I thought were my close friends were shutting me out brought me back to that dark place where I once was. Lonely. Trying to fit in. Desperate to be seen. I am being held back. I knew this for a long time but I didn't do anything about it. In the past few months I have built a circle of friends who I feel are more dependable and are on the same path as I am. I feel that in the past, the fear of being lonely stopped me from walking away from friends who were holding me back. When I tried to avoid them I'd always come crawling back because of the fear of being lonely.

I feel I am now ready to cut those who don't serve me out of my life and bring forward those who will help me bring great things into my life as well as help those who are looking to make a change in theirs. I know it won't be an easy thing to do but at the same time it's the price I'll have to pay to live the life I have worked so hard to build.