How am I feeling today?

I've been up since 2 this afternoon. I have just come off night shift. I am feeling abit restless. I know there is something I need to do but I'm not doing it. Something just doesn't feel right. I was sitting here for the last few hours scanning facebook and forum sites. Knowing there is nothing new to see but yet I feel compelled to browse through them as if something super exciting is about to happen. The internet is toxic. It is masturbation in the digital form. I know deep down inside that this is the case but I'm fighting with my ego. The ego is telling me I'll be more comfortable if I do nothing. I have a tendency to procastinate alot. I tend to dream alot. I don't feel it's a bad thing. I feel during these moments I get alot of clarity. But there are times I do it way too much to the point that it consumes me and I lay in my bed doing nothing.

Just before typing this, I had this sudden urge to get a few activities done for the week. I went over this with Matt the other day:
- Update my resume
- Apply for $100k jobs
- Buy Smart investor magazine
- Find something competitive
- Meet some hot blondes
- Speed dating

I guess what I'm missing at the moment is some excitement in my life. I am missing the sense of escape. I feel like I am not living my life in alignment with my core values. I miss being competitive. I feel by nature I am a competitive person. I feel it when I am losing in a game of pool, I feel it when I am sparring in tae kwon do, I feel it when I am at work, I feel it when I am amongst other guys from the pick-up community. I really miss that feeling of competition. I think to some degree I have associated guilt behind being competitive and wanting to extract the best out of myself. I don't think I can pinpoint a moment though I can think of times where guilt or judgement was bestowed upon me when wanting something amazing for myself. I guess alot of this came from alot of negative anchors in my life. My family, as much as I love them dearly, I associate alot of negative anchors with them. Growing up we didn't have alot of money. I felt very insecure in my teenage years because I couldn't wear the clothes the cool kids wore. When I did have money I had this fear of going shopping to buy clothes because in the back of my head there was a fear that I would be judged for wanting to change. I have created an identity for myself where I felt I had gone too deep and to change would be sabotaging myself. I would always reason with myself that this is who I am and I am comfortable with who I am. Deep down I knew this was never the case. I would look around and watch people enjoy the things that I wanted. Money, women, sex, friends, status... I know what I wanted but I was always worried what would happen if I were to change. What would people think of me? What if my friends don't like me? I'm lonely, I can't afford to lose friends.

Right now I can say I am comfortable in knowing that the changes I'm making to myself are for the better. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to continue taking action and take action. Whether big or small to transform myself. I know my past was a dark place. I know what would happen if I was to continue on that path. I know that I would be lonely, angry, restless, depress, miserable. The path I have now chosen scares me to death and I feel like I'm fighting with myself to breakthrough. There are times where I feel like something amazing is brewing but it seems to take longer than I want it to. It almost feels like I'm expecting some kind of explosion to happen and "POW!" my life is awesome. I must admit I do feel miserable about it but I know I need to keep chipping away at it.

The past few days I have been feeling really tired and have kind of been using it as an excuse to not do anything. I'll think to myself. I do it when I have abit more energy. I'll do it after I have a nap. I know deep down inside I won't. I feel the past few months I have been sabbotaging myself because of it and it has to change. So now that I am going to finish this off. I'm going to jump on my bike and get my workout done. I have done just about all the tasks that Matt has got me to do this week and I feel it is all coming into alignment with what my values are and what I stand for. I don't think much of what I am typing makes much sense but I felt the need to clear what ever thoughts I had going on in my head.

Khoi