Pleasing others/Seeking external validation

I feel a major source of self-sabotage has been as a result of seeking validation or trying to please others. Doing things I don't want to do, buying shit I don't need, pursuing interests which don't serve me in an effort to earn the acceptance and respect from others.

Growing up I was quiet, withdrawn and lonely. I was seen as a social outcast and this really bothered me. There were times where I wasn't sure if people knew I existed. I think they did, but they were so consumed by what others were thinking of them.

I would do anything to make friends and gain a little bit of acceptance. Even if it mean being around the wrong people. People who didn't value me as a person and took advantage of me. Even if they didn't represent the type of people I wanted to be around. I had nothing, I was prepared to grab anything I could get.

As a teenager I would look at the popular kids and would always think about what it was that made them popular. These guys were good at sports, wore fashionable clothes, they were rich. I though to myself, this is what I have to be to gain the acceptance and respect from others. Coming from a poor family, I always used to hate myself for the circumstances I was brought up in. I couldn't have the things that these guys had and I was made to feel guilty by my family for wanting them.

Someone in high school once dared me to yell in assembly. I tried it and it got everyone laughing. People wanted me to do it more and more, so I did. I would think of ways to do stupid shit in assembly, lectures or in public. I was getting peoples attention and I thought I was getting acceptance. I was wrong. I was nothing but a source of ridicule. I got acceptance at the expense of my own dignity. I carried on with this behaviour through my years at university.

I had come to the point where people around me were getting on with their lives. They were focused on finishing uni and pursuing their careers all while I was still drifting and doing stupid shit in lectures and public places. I see my peers working in well paying jobs, driving nice cars, wearing fashionable clothes, dating cute girls. I sense the feeling that people who I thought were my friends weren't comfortable with me being around. I was a loser. I had no job, I dressed like a junkie, I sucked with girls and it seemed like I had nothing going for me.

I got to a point where I was sick of being where I was at. I was making no money and I was relying on Youth Allowance to get by. Everyone was getting ahead while I was being a drifter. No-one wanted to pay attention to me. I had to do something with my life. I wanted what they had. I knew my university marks weren't gonna get me a decent job. I had to seek work experience.

I spent 6 months looking for a job and getting rejection after rejection. I didn't care. I was determined. I felt that if I had a decent job then I would get the acceptance and respect I deserved. I did get the acceptance and respect I deserved. Girls would like me. I was being invited out by people who thought I was successful. People who I felt were dull and boring. I started wearing expensive clothes and I bought a high powered sports car. It came at a cost. I put myself in debt to support this.

A few years have past since I have got my first full time job. I have worked for 3 industry leaders, I drive a BMW and dress quite fashionably. All this to gain the respect of those who are dull and boring. People who I know wouldn't give me the time of day if things were to go to shit. Sabotaging myself all in an effort to feel important and in an effort to cover up my real problems. I was quick to hang on to people who accepted me to some extent. I would be the nice guy to the extent I would be taken advantage of just to have someone like me.

The common theme of the past is that I have seeked externally to gain acceptance from others. I had alot of deep inner core issues. I feared addressing my deep core inner issues so much that I figured I could get away with it by covering it up. I had hit a point where I was swimming in debt, I was lonely and I was trapped in fear. I was a slave to society. I was angry. I was made to believe that if I had the job, money, cars, clothes then I'll get the acceptance and respect I deserve.
It never came.

In the last year I have looked internally and have addressed alot of my deep inner core issues. I have become more accepting and respectful of myself and have focused more on being more comfortable with being myself and allowing other to see that. I ask myself often "take away the money, the clothes, the job, the car...would you still be the same person?" A year ago the answer would be no. Fast forward a year I would still say no but I am more closer to saying yes.

I think in being more accepting of myself I don't need the external validation as much. I find that as I am more accepting of myself interally, people are seeking my acceptance externally.