I fear being lonely. Growing up I was always abit of an outsider. I never quite fit into any kind of social group in high school. I struggled to fit in with the rich kids because I wasn't rich. I didn't fit in with the nerdy kids because I sucked in the classroom. I struggled to fit in with the cool kids because I didn't seem cool. I didn't fit in with the Asian kids because I was being perceived as not Asian enough. I didn't feel I could fit in with the Aussie kids because...I was Asian.
I was very shy and extremely quiet. I felt really lonely through my high school years and it really sucked. I tried doing different things to try fit in. I would try and be more "Asian" but it just wasn't me. I was really good at tennis but yet no-one knew I played on the high school tennis team. I tried being the class clown and tried doing stupid things in assembly. It did get me some attention but in the wrong ways. Being quiet and shy I was always an easy target for bullies. There wasn't so much physical bullying. It was more verbal and mental intimidation. I was a skinny twig and there was no way I could stand up for myself. I would skip class alot. I would tell people cause I can't be fucked as if I was cool but in the back of my mind I knew it was to get away.
I did have some friends but that wasn't by choice. I felt that sometimes they would take advantage of the fact I was abit vulnerable and I felt in the back of my mind there was no other place to go. If I had to choose between being lonely and being with the wrong people at the time, I would choose the wrong people. It was the desire to be accepted, to be wanted, to be respected to be called a friend.
Fast forward to university. The same trends followed. I didn't fit into any social group. I'd skip classes to get away and I'd hang around the wrong people for the very same reasons as I did in high school. This would continue into my early 20s.
I remember my 22nd birthday. I had rented a hotel room for the night and invited quite a few people to come along. Maybe only 3 or 4 showed up that night. I'm sitting in the room thinking this is supposed to be a celebration for me and yet I feel miserable. The people in here don't even give a shit about me. I think they were only there because I had booze and weed. These guys were the scum of the Earth. Can these people really be my friends?
There were times where I had gone out of my way to help people. The wrong people. I thought by helping them they would accept me and be my friend. I was seeking some kind of acceptance. Looking back I realise this was heartache waiting to happen. Each time someone would take advantage of my kindness, it would feel like a massive cut. It got to the point where I was fed up with everyone. Why would people treat me this way when I am going out of my way to help them? I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I would spend most of my days locked up in my room at home. I figured no-one cares about me so why should care about them.
I have spent the last few years cycling through either hanging with the wrong people or shutting myself off from the world. I'd go from one extreme where I'd get really lonely from shutting myself off that I'm willing to hang out with scum or I shut myself off from the world cause I was fed up with scum. This post I wrote recently http://becomethesavage.blogspot.com/2010/04/letting-go-and-moving-forward.html A sign of the cycle about to happen again. Cutting off the scum and shutting myself off. This post came up just as I am typing this.
I guess writing this kinda came at the right time. It's shown me that I am about to go into a cycle that I have constantly put myself through time and time again. This time is different. I am aware of this cycle coming along and I am taking action towards changing it. I have made a conscious effort to bring the right people into my life. People who inspire me to be a better person. People who accept me with no sense of judgement regardless of my past. People who understand that I am on a journey of self discovery. People who can accept me for being me.
I think alot of the actions and decisions I have made in my life were in effort to be accepted. I think what makes me different now is that the actions and decisions that I am making now are more to improve myself as a person rather than to sabotage myself. I know it's kind of crazy but though I may not have many friends, I don't feel lonely right now. I think it has come from acceptance of myself as a person. I don't feel the need for acceptance of others and I think because of it people accept and respect me for who I am. There's a saying, I don't know who from but it says "make friends with yourself and you'll never be lonely". It definitely holds true. I think in my case anyway :)
Loneliness is one of my many fears. I writing this while I'm at work so I better get back into it. To be continued...
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