I have trouble expressing myself sexually and it frustrates me. I know I want to have amazing sex with incredibly beautiful women but at the same time I feel this sense of guilt with wanting something as awesome as this. When I go out at night I feel that women really enjoy my company. We're being friendly, we're teasing, we're flirting. It's going very well. Then there comes this point in the interaction. Kind of similar to when you run out of things to say except you do know what to say but she's no longer interested. You now come across as a dick, not this cool fun guy.
I didn't escalate. I didn't go physical. I didn't show my intent. I wasn't sexual. Damn! It was going so well and I fucked up! Those are the kind of words which go through my head after an interaction which goes well. I know I could have done more but there is this feeling of guilt going on in the back of my mind. Words are going on in the back of my head. What will she think of me? What if I screw up? What will everyone around me think?
I grew up in a fairly traditional Vietnamese family. It wasn't natural for us to express ourselves emotionally let alone sexually. I don't think I have ever talked about sex once with any of my family members. I feel that there was alot of guilt associated with sex and wanting to have sex. I also grew up with four confident and strong minded women. So the thought of women enjoying sex never entered my reality. It was more something you had to convince them to do. It was like this big thing where you had to fall in love and get married to have it.
When I meet people and see them freely express themselves sexually, whether men or women, I feel abit insecure. Maybe because I've had limited sexual experiences. I haven't had a sexual experience where it really blew my mind. I haven't truly explored myself sexually. I feel myself go into a shell and I feel like such a loser because I don't have the freedom to express myself the same way others do. There have been nights where I will be with a girl and I know it's on but I just don't pull the trigger. It's like I'm waiting for her to make a move but I know she won't. I'll drive home disgusted at myself for not giving it a shot.
I'm at the stage where I realise the guilt I have associated with sex since my teenage years or even my childhood years has not served me and is limiting me from not only expressing myself sexually but more on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. It's a part of me which is stopping me from allowing my true self to come out and I feel like I'm ready to give myself the permission to be the guy who expresses himself sexually. I feel that not only will sex give pleasure to me but to the amazing women out there who get to hook up with me :)
I want to take steps in being more sexual and freely expressing myself sexually. Matt's All Stars missions this week, I feel, are a good starting point. I have also started reading My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday which is like a book of women's sexual fantasies. I think to some extent it has opened my mind to the idea that women want sex and they enjoy sex as much as men do. I must say their fantasies are alot more thought and image provoking than the typical threesome fantasy most of us have :)
I am at work as I am typing this and yes I do associate a degree of guilt as I am typing this post :) I've got some real work to do now...
Khoi
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